My Blogging Crap

The sea from far began to cover the surface
How could my sadness be calmed down
I remained straight-faced, trying to cover a hint of resignation
You said that you wanted to leave (Love is absent)
He remained silent with a tinge of sadness
The raging waves
We will understand that it is not the waves but a sea full of tears

Turn around and leave
I can’t speak out sincerely
The love between a seagull and a fish is only an accidental occurence

Our love, has always been a controversial matter
Our love has always existed, we can’t go back
A love forever true, ends up accumulating pain
How many times has waiting lead to pain?

An azure coral sea, a missed momentary paleness
At the beginning, both of our immature confessions
The warm feelings cannot change, smiles cannot be hidden
In the face of love, a smile cannot be forced

Love is buried deep within the coral sea
How do we rebuild the damaged sand sculpture
How could a relationship with cracks be fixed?
Only that all has ended too quickly and you said you could not understand why

What surprises await in the shell
Waiting for the flowers to bloom
We do not want to play the guessing game anymore
The sea breeze caressing the face
The salty love
We could not suppress the feelings for the future

do you ever feel like sometimes u just lose faith in everything and everyone and wonder why u’re put on this earth? i’m feeling that way now. i just want to get away from it all, just run away to a place where there’s no problems, there’s no issues, no pressure but i know this place doesnt exist. that’s why i went out almost every single night during the last year. i needed to get my mind off of things and i needed an excuse to drink. drinking is the only route that i know to get out of my head. i’ve gotten out of that life and now i’m starting a new one. i’m studying hard, doing my work, being domestic but somehow problems just resurface and it’s swallowing me whole. i feel like these string of problems are hanging over my head even when i go to sleep and it’s just tearing me into pieces. i really do want to get my life back into place. i want to pass my subjects and examinations and just focus on what’s really important in my life. i feel like there’s a tonne on my shoulder and i dont have anyone to help me walk this path.

i really envy those people who are able to juggle work, studies and a personal life of their own. everytime i look at them i just think to myself, why am i not like that? why am i not able to do that? i’m blessed with a silver spoon hanging out of my mouth but i cant seem to just differentiate everything. it just clashes into one another and i am just not able to handle it very well.

calls to winnie really made me feel better. how i wish she was here in malaysia so i can hang on to her for dear life. it’s just hard growing up i guess, and conforming into this mold that u have for urself or u think u should be. i’m losing faith, and i’m searching for something else to believe in.

My second last day in working in BBDO! i’m exhausted from waking up 9AM in the morning. i have no idea how working people actually do it. amazingly enough i managed to survive with a few cuts and bruises. i’ve learnt that office politics really do go a bit too far and can be quite extreme. but when people know me well, they should know i love leaving a trail of trouble behind me where ever i go, otherwise known as shit stirring.

luckily there’s a new girl working here so i’m gonna pass all my shit stirring to her and leave the company. huahahaha~ i’m evil. and when i’m done i’ll write a book about it and name it Memoirs of a Shit-Stirrer.

on an entirely different topic, the chicken rice downstairs is fabulous! i actually hate chicken rice, coz no where on earth they will do it well, but crap man i’m craving for it everyday. i have a feeling they smash tablets of amphetamines and line each piece of chicken with it.

speaking of drugs, where’s my mood elevators? i should mix them all up and serve them as a party mix to my collegues since most of them look like they’re stoned or should be stoned to death. -_-;

it’s almost 6…thank god, i cant sit here for another 3 hours with nothing to do. my dear joanna went out for a meeting so i wont be getting work from her. and my darling lilian…i’m still waiting for that pandora’s box outburst. i hope she gives it to me on my last day. ahhh i will be looking forward to tomorow!!!

my third day interning at BBDO, i’m so lucky that i have friends here otherwise i’d be sitting alone staring at the ceiling or the wall or something. i think i might go nuts doing that for 8 hours. hilarious that i know half of the office politics that has been going on. u didnt hear it from me but someone is trying to get someone fired and another someone is always on leave and suspected of dengue but i heard a colleague saying that she deserves it so i’m waiting to see this someone when she gets in. huahaha! ur typical garden variety of office politics. sigh.

oh and there’s this really really sweet woman, lilian, she’s like the typical aunties that u see walking around and buying fruits in pasar malam. sweet lady…i like her! so here i am on my first day being introduced to everyone by lilian so alright, i’m done with introductions, so i sit down and do a presentation that has to be in by 1.30 when lilian starts talking on the phone. she gets so irritated and annoyed she started screaming profanities and vulgarites for anyone within a 5 mile radius to hear. that was the highlight of my day, i’m still waiting for her to open pandora’s box. yesterday she was so close to having an outburst. i just jerked my head up and waited…but sigh, it was a false alarm.

hahah i just sneaked out for an hour to have coffee with Audrey. hilarious considering she thought she was starting her internship today but it was actually an interview. this happened the second time so she’s like really pissed.

my supervisor called in sick today so i have absolutely nothing to do. i really wish someone would give me work to do so i wont be so bored but looking around i dont think anyone has time to explain even if they give me work. sigh. isnt this fantastic? i think i’m gonna just stare at people today until they give me work to do. yes that’s what i’m gonna do. until lunchtime that is. LOVELY!

alright i havent been updating my blog or my profile in a while, at least i update my pictures. erica’s down for the weekend, and for those of u who need the 411 on who erica is, she’s a really really *i cant stress on the amount of "really"s but u get the idea* really good friend from hong kong, whom i will be seeing in december again. i had a great weekend drinking and getting drunk and listening to the endless amount of stories from friends yelling on the phone and yelling at my face. apparently most of them think i’m half deaf so they have to scream in my ear.

a friend of mine managed to get a date, congratulations. u would think i would be the one who would be attached by now but no i’m still single and available *wink wink* i know u want me, so give me a call. and plus life’s one big playground, i gotta go try out all the swings and see-saws first rite?

oh yeah, i managed to find my driving license, funny coz i couldnt find it anywhere and today i saw it lying on my carpet in my room. either some miracle happened or just regular ol’ flying toyols playing a fool on me.

so here’s my schedule for december, i’m booked solid people so unfortunately u have to wait till next year. (hahah SKL/LCLY talking here so dont mind me)

30th Nov - 8th Dec = Singapore for PLUbalooza or as u SGreans call it AJbalooza

10th Dec = LQ, The Studio for Drey’s un-bday

20th Dec - 26th Dec = Taipei/Taiwan for another PLUbalooza with parents involved so i dont think that’s gonna go anywhere. well i’m heading down for the Snowball event so wish me luck

27th Dec - 29th Dec = ShenZhen for furniture shopping apparently. Fake LV bags anyone? no? how bout Guci or Boosini?

29th Dec - 31st Dec = Hong Kong to visit some friends and probably some shopping, mostly just drinking

31st Dec = New Year’s Eve Partay at the Hilton, yes i’m bringing my bling blings and my fake LV or Guci bags and i’m gonna strut some stuff for some celebrities (right….)

so there u go, i’m booked solid. but for those who matter i will squeeze some time for u, trust me i will and i would. (SKL/LCLY still talking here)

i’ve got my list, i’ve got my suitcase, i’ve got my condoms, let’s hope i dont get crabs or STDs

*p.s. i’ve heard of vibrating condoms from erica, she’s gonna hook me up with a couple of boxes, WOO HOO~*

yes, it is 5.30AM in the morning when i started writing this post and i just saw a new person in my life who tortured me endlessly by kissing and carressing but not having to do anything that would lead to an orgasm drive off in a kembara. i could smell the aroma of J’s scent, sweet and musky, and i have the feeling the sweet part was the smell of my shower gel.

J came over with the intention of catching up and watching Scrubs which i recently downloaded and bitch about the things that were going on in Scrubs. With a litre bottle of chivas in my room, i decided we should drink and chat while watching scrubs play on my monitor and the sounds like background music to both of us. ^^; it was getting pretty intense as our hands brushed each other’s and i knew what was going on in J’s mind. unfortunately J wasnt ready for a full blown thing (neither was J ready to have anything leading to a orgasmic climax) so we fooled around alittle and J went off since it was late.

let me start by saying, i’m not in a relationship. not anymore that is, after being dumped by I, and then getting calls from I who was playing mind games with me, i decided to cool things off between the both of us by saying i need to focus on bigger issues in life, like my exams which are creeping up on me really closely. I had a thing with mind games, making me feel malignant, insecure, etc etc. i cant really complain, after all we get a garden variety of bitches and bastards in life so who’s to stop me from dating one?

so there it is, the big S word which most women in their 40s dread, SINGLE. yes i am single. and no i’m not a woman (i know i’m gonna be bombarded by feminists who have a point of view but give me a break will ya? it’s 5 friggin 30). i have half a mind to actually jump on the next person who comes along but i wont. actually i was dreaming about another J who was sitting next to me in the lecture hall today and fantasizing, and yes i am allowed to fantasize earlier today since i havent been getting any for the past few weeks. ACG tapped me on the shoulder and requested for a tissue which shifted my thoughts onto ACG instead. heh heh heh, that’s right folks and barbies, people do fantasize about people they know.

anyways i think i’m starting to lose focus, as my eyes are crossing and everything seems to be leaning to the right. i need sleep, even for a few hours…hopefully i dont wake up too many times in my sleep. have i been posting stuff about sex and fantasizing? i dont know coz i’m too lazy to actually read anything i wrote and i would probably regret it in the morning…just like sleeping with E. laterz dudes and dudettes!

there are many things that i’ve been suppressing in my life. memories, mostly fragments of memories. i’ve been locking them up for so long…

the bits and pieces; of my childhood - i remember playing in the backseat of my mother’s car with the car door unlocked. after a sharp turn the door flung open and at the same instance i was also thrown out the door. then blackness…not much of memories back then, apart from the scar i got from a small bottle of magnesium liquid which fell onto my face.

my adolescent days - memories of pain and embarrassing moments which i shall not delve any deeper into, but has haunted me up to this very day. i lie awake sometimes while my mind is running from thought to thought, giving me shivers down my spine and making me yelp out in agony as i remember the shocking images burnt into my mind.

my college days (circa 2002) - sydney was a great place to be me, free from the opressing chains of malaysian values. i was able to hear my own voice for once. i was doing well, my life was in place and i had no problems with living or loving. i used to live by the code; not caring about whomever i fucked and left, even in relationships, they were more into me instead of the other way around. i left my heart where it should be, tucked away so no one could hurt me. i was untouchable. it all fell when i met JY. abusive, mentally and physically, JY. my heart was stolen, and i wanted it back.

my holiday in sg (the following year) - depressed and suicidal from my breakup, my holiday was spent smoking till i coughed out blood every morning, drinking till i passed out by the roadside, clubbing till i developed severe hearing problems and was even tempted to try out E & ice. this part of my life has been blurred up, i remember going home every night with someone different. i needed the company…badly.

thinking of my exes, or the ex-factors, my relationships never worked out. i never had the perfect one relationship which i always ever wanted. thinking of my last ex, how much pain i caused and still am causing, i feel sympathy for M. although i’ve moved on and started seeing I, i just cant help but wonder, what happened between M & me? but i let bygones be bygones, i live to forget. so into the little black box which i’ve kept hidden so well from people this memory of my ex goes into as well as most of my life. i’m happy now and that’s all that matters. as nat king cole says, smile.

Black Humour/Hei Se You Mo - Jay Chou (Tranlsation by jay-chou.net)

Feeling miserable
It’s because I’ve been depressed for too long
It’s because I’ve thought too much
It’s a psychological effect from the heart

You say that forced smile is always around you
We’re only reluctantly being together
Should you just leave me right now?
Shouldn’t think too much

I think it’s definitely me
Who heard wrong and did it wrong
Please, I think it’s the problem with your head

Casually saying
I’ve already guessed it and seen it, but don’t want to say more
I’m just scared that I can’t withhold my tears
I don’t understand your black humor

I’ve thought it through, but you came and puzzled me again
Splitting up, have you thought about it for long?
I don’t want to expose you

I’ll just treat it as a joke you made up
I’ve thought it through, but you came and puzzled me again
Splitting up, have you thought about it for long?
I’ve been defeated by your black humor

Splitting up, have you thought about it for long?
My seriousness has been defeated by your black humour

Just blame that night’s moonlight
So romantic it make hearts flutter
But really its nothing much
Only the night is a bit chilly
Love suddenly became hard to escape

The crescent moon in the sky
Watch over our crazy love
There’s no need to make any promises
Just my kiss on your shoulder
And in your ear I softly sing

You ask how much I love you
How deep is my love
My feelings are true
My love for you is also true
The moon represents my heart

The round bright moon in the sky
Watch people meeting and parting endlessly
By myself I am wandering the streets
Love and hatred are confused in my heart

I am not as strong as you think
On the first and fifteenth the moon is a little sad
Everyday there are always changes on your face
Realized the eternal vow was just a misunderstanding

Soft, softly a kiss
Has once touched your heart and mine
Deep, deep feelings
Have become only memories till today
From now on I will always remember

Now I ask how much did you love me
How deep is your love
Maybe you should remember
You should go take a look
Whose heart does the moon represent?

I admit I am a bit unconcerned
Should have talk to you but instead I let you leave
Next time I should buy something to please you
You will not be angry
A week passes and there’s no news of you
Sent you 17 messages but still no reply
I began to feel something is not right
I am starting to feel concerned

What did I say
What did I do
Maybe the question is not who apologises
The problem is that we keep doing the wrong thing
And we didn’t say what we should have said

How long can we keep deceiving each other
If we keep pretending there’s nothing wrong
And start all over again
Perhaps it will make us feel better
Is this right or wrong?
What is wrong?

Our tactics are enough to stop the quarrels
Our maturity is enough but lack sensation
It is because love is not enough
Or is this the wrong kind of love
The idea of breaking up has crossed your mind
To be honest I have thought a lot about it
We seldom have this kind of telepathy
Thinking of it, I feel more sad

Said all I have to say
Done all I have to do
I am willing but I didn’t change
Maybe you will never understand
Even if I show you my heart, it’s no use
It’s not that I didn’t try hard enough
It’s not your fault
It’s not my fault

Before I blame you, I have to think clearly
Slowly understand love is not who hurts the most
Tried our best and it still doesn’t work
Just blame it on fate

Today my feelings are a bit strange
But I cannot tell the reason why
Like there is some suffering on the way
But not knowing what kind of disease

Above my head the orange light of the California sun
But in my pocket there are only black tangerines

I still have a blue kind of feeling
Please don’t ask me why
I really want to speak up
But there is nothing left to say
I only hate myself
For not escaping the blues
Maybe I am just a worthless little worm
Condemned for dreaming too much

The leaves used falling to verify autumn
But I am still in a slumber, unable to wake
Are you willing to be a hero
Or do you want to let go?

The day is bright
Overcast by darkening clouds
All the ways led by the rays became dead ends
What kind of hero do you want to be?
I can see you are only a pawn

Today when I wake up, my head hurts
No matter how many phials of medicine I took
It’s no use
My feelings are strangely subdued
It’s best to stay as far away from me as you can
Outside the orange light of the California sun
But I stay in my own lonely black hole

I only have a very small request
And that’s to ask you to leave me alone